Stories From My Inbox…

So what do we have in store this week?

Women’s Health

If you’re going to do it then do it well, be thoughtful and be prepared!

Your Guide To Making Anal Sex Feel Way More Enjoyable

Meeting someone who makes your heart skip a beat when you look at them and who you perceive as perfect even though you know no one is, doesn’t happen to everyone. If you find that person never let them go because that is a precious gift. But there are different kinds of love and if someone makes you happy and is there for you when times get tough that is important too. It’s always best to be honest and realistic in relationships, you might not both be on the same page but always be kind and honest about it and you might find a common ground you’re both happy with, even if it’s just good friends. No one want’s to feel like you ‘settled’ for them because a part of them will always be wondering if you’re waiting for someone better to come along and biding your time and it’s probably doomed to fail.

‘Why I Refuse To Settle In A Relationship’

5 Things You Should Know About Vaginal Cancer

9 Toxic Dating Habits You Need To Break This Year


18 Period Sex Horror Stories

Men’s Health

8 People Share What It’s Really Like to Have a Threesome

7 Signs Of Colon Cancer You Should Never Ignore

I know it’s a bit old, but always good to do some revision 😉

Here’s Exactly How You Should Be Touching Her Clitoris, According To Over 1,000 Women

7 Ways to Give Her an Orgasm She’ll Never Forget

4 Reasons Why Hand Jobs Are Totally Underrated

Stories From My Inbox…

So what do we have in store this week?


10 Questions About Threesomes That’ll Really Make You Think

18 Awkward But Hilarious Things That Have Happened To People During Sex

Women’s Health

6 Things Every Woman Should Know About Cervical Cancer

5 Women Share Their Hottest Breakup Sex Stories

If You Can Quit This Terrible Habit, Your Relationships Will Dramatically Improve

‘I Tried To Have Sex Twice A Day For A Week—Here’s What Happened’

These 5 Conversations Will Rekindle The Flame With Your Partner—Even If You’ve Been Together Forever

Your Partner Wants A Threesome And You Don’t—Should You Break Up With Him?

Do you consider sexting cheating?…

With the invention of so many personal contact apps it has never been more easy to find someone for a quick fuck or a bit of sexting fun.

It’s a relatively new problem in the relationship world, previously you had to worry about your partner physically finding someone to cheat with but now they can just click a button on their phone and find someone where ever they are.

Work lives are often stressful nowadays, no one ever seems to plan far enough ahead so you are always chasing that deadline and the work doesn’t stop coming.

Add into that a lot of people now travel for work, its late, your other half is asleep back home, you’re in need of some loving and you could have a wealth of willing partners at the touch of a button.

So what do you do?

You could just find some porn on the internet but sometimes you need that human interaction, to know that someone is there with you.

So you turn to the app and before you know it your phone is filled with dick or boob pics and wanking videos.

But is it cheating?

I met a guy a few years ago and I knew from the start that he didn’t want to commit to me and that he saw other girls but I was so into him it didn’t matter. Any of his time was better to me than none at all.

It didn’t stop me being jealous of the other girls though. It didn’t stop me imagining him doing the things we did with the others and making me lose my mind over it all.

Why did he go to them when he could have just come to me? Why wasn’t I good enough for him, why did he need the others?

And the real kicker, what if they’re better than me and that’s why he chooses them over me. That is a really unhealthy one.

When it comes to sexual performance we all have our tricks and skills, it doesn’t necessarily make us good or bad – we are all different.

We are all a product of the experiences we have had, if all your sexual experiences are good or great you’ll be good or great.

If all your sexual experiences ended in 3 seconds flat then you really don’t have much experience to learn from, you aren’t necessarily bad you just need to put some effort into learning new skills.

If you have a partner who wants to experiment with you and learn all the things you enjoy and teach you all the things they enjoy then you really do have the best of both worlds.

I guess what I’m clumsily trying to say is, it depends on your relationship and your partner.

Me personally, I would rather he woke me up when he needed someone than go to someone else. If it’s just porn, fair enough everyone watches porn at some point but if he needed that human contact and he didn’t come to me for it then that would be a problem for me.

To me that means there are bigger problems lurking in our relationship and I would be worried that he is losing interest. But then I’m a overthinker, or a woman as we are also known.

On that subject, we hate it just as much as you do, trust me. Overthinking is exhausting, it messes with your mind and it makes you feel like a fool. We don’t do it on purpose it’s just the way we’re wired up.

What a lot of women struggle to understand is the ability men have to literally not think of anything. I’ve always envied that, when you say “hey what are you thinking?” and they say “oh nothing.”

Sometimes that means literally nothing, blank mind, no nagging little voices reminding you of every conversation you had over the whole of your relationship, the time 10 years ago he made a comment that sounded like your arse was fat, no OMG I look horrible from this angle I hope he’s not looking, no did I turn the oven/ iron etc. off or remember to empty the washing machine, was that report at work due today or yesterday, did I remember to book the meeting room, I think I’m getting horny again, is he falling asleep, should I wake him up, that carpet needs hoovering, is that a cobweb hanging off the light fitting, should we paint the room, I think we should change the sheets tomorrow, damn I forgot the milk…..

So you see what I mean about it being exhausting inside a women’s mind.

I would much rather be lying their blank minded, sexually satisfied and fall asleep than have all that running through my head.

Or indeed being sent off to sleep by a smiley face, kiss and a ‘Sleep well babe’ text message after some naughty fun when I’m away from home.

Stories From My Inbox…

Time to trawl the inbox again and see what excitement we can find!

The Best Sex She’s Ever Had

5 Things to Never Say to a Naked Woman

The 4 Most Dangerous Sex Positions

5 Things That Secretly Make Her Horny

5 Ways She Plays Hard to Get

4 Things She Only Tells Other Men

Why Your Doctor Wants You to Have Sex Tonight

Not only did I have some stories in my Inbox from Men’s Health I also found some articles on Cosmopolitan that were interesting.

12 Things Men Really Do to Get Over a Breakup

Remember to check yourself regularly girls and boys! Yes boys need to check their ‘boobs’ too.

7 Ways to Keep Your Breasts Healthy

19 Signs You Need to Get Laid, Like, Yesterday

30 New Ways to Seduce Your Partner

12 Fights EVERY Couple Has

13 Juicy Questions Men Are Dying to Ask Women

10 Signs Your Relationship Is Rock-Solid and Going to Last

18 Things You Wish You Could Tell Your Younger Self About Sex

A special shout out to You… Only Wetter for this article 😉

Cunnilingus Tricks She’ll Crave


Yesterday was a tough day. My friend found out the man she was in love with and had been in a relationship with for a year and a half wasn’t the man any of us thought he was.

It turned out she was 1 of 15 women he was in ‘love’ with and not only that he is a nasty piece of work who threatened to ‘disappear’ her if she told his wife about his lies.

So I just wanted to say, I know relationships and love are easily found nowadays. I could probably download a whole bunch of apps and have a train of men at my door within hours wanting to have sex with me but life is about more than that.

When someone gets hurt by someone they love or care for that stays with them for a long time and changes who they are and how they interact with people they meet.

You can feel worthless, suspicious, have trust issues, push people away to protect yourself and never let people get close to you.

I just think that everyone would be better off if we were all more honest. If you want to have multiple women/ men in your life be honest about it and let those people make those choices.

If you’re in a relationship and are falling for someone new then tell your partner and talk about it, you might save your relationship or you might hurt them but it will hurt less than finding out you lied and one day they will respect your honesty.

There is no need for anyone to actively go around destroying people’s lives with their selfish behaviour, the world would be a better place if we all thought a bit more before we acted.

Everyone has scars from the battles life has thrown at them but we don’t need to make it worse.

If everyone took more care then maybe more people would be able to find their ultimate happiness in life and the world would be a nicer place.

Treat everyone as you would wish them to treat you, with care, love and honesty and you will find the good people who return your sentiments.

You are not useless. You are not hopeless. And no matter how scared you are, you will never be alone. And deep down, somewhere, in the part of you that decided the good days and your happiness and your health were all worth fighting for, you know that, too. Hold onto that knowledge. It will see you through the worst.

Ella Ceron

I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. Who’s going to love the girl that can’t stop crying? The girl that hurts herself? The girl that is losing control? The girl that is so sad she can’t get out of bed? The girl that keeps pushing everyone away? Who’s going to love the monster in me, who’s going to love me now?


The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.

Ernest Hemingway

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

Mahatma Gandhi

Cover Me by Carrie Elliott Review

Cover Me is a story about Derek and Bess, two people who grew up living next door to each other but grew apart when Bess went to college and Derek became a music star.

The story see’s Bess thrown back into Derek’s life after she writes a seething review of his latest musical endeavour, outraged at her hitting the truth he had been avoiding he finds her to confront her over it.

After nine years of absence from his life the first time he sees her he realises how much he missed her and wants to win back her trust and claim her for his own and begin a new life together.

But time doesn’t always heal all wounds, some mistakes are never given the chance to be forgiven. He has to realise what caused the divide between them and find a way to heal the wounds in order to have the life he always wanted with the woman he never realised he loved.

Whether or not Derek and Bess have their happy ending I’ll leave you to read the book.

I really enjoyed it and it gave me hope that sometimes things do happen for a reason and maybe you can have a chance when you think all hope is gone, if you believe it in your heart.

Below is an excerpt from the book:

My eyes roamed over his face, following the line of his eyebrow to his temple, down to his prominent cheekbone to his straight nose then over his full, beautiful lips that could be so gentle and so demanding at the same time. The lips that always spoke what was on his mind and never held back. “If only you did know me better, then you’d know that wasn’t what broke my trust in you. But maybe you wouldn’t have done it in the first place if you’d have thought about my feelings at all.”

He kissed my hand and spoke against my fingers. “What if I did think about your feelings, but got it wrong. You said I didn’t know you, so I might have done something I thought you would be okay with.”

I shook my head. “No. If that was true, you’re not the kind of person I should be here with right now.”

He held my hand more firmly. “So, if I was selfish and didn’t consider your feelings at all, it would be better than thinking you’d be okay with whatever horrible thing I did?”

“Are we going in circles? It sounds like we’re talking in circles.” Derek had the gift of gab and I had to be careful he didn’t talk his way out of this.

“Bess, whatever it was that I did, I’m so sorry. I apologize. But, I do know you well enough to know you won’t accept my apology without me realizing what I’m saying I’m sorry for. Correct?”

“Yes. And no, I won’t tell you. I know you well enough to know that if you think about it long enough, it’ll finally come to you.”

“Well, I know that you know that I know that—wait. We are going in circles.” He grinned and kissed my hand again. “Just know I can’t think of anything else and when it comes to me, I’ll be down on my knees begging forgiveness.”

We lay there for the longest time looking into each other’s eyes, listening to the ocean and the sound of our breathing in sync. My fingers itched to touch him, to trace over his arms, his chest, along his stomach, hold his hard cock in my hand again. I could almost hear his thoughts mirroring mine, wanting to touch and taste, caress and seek release.

Our hands were the only parts of us touching and I was so turned on my body hummed like a live wire. If the wind blew too hard, I’d explode. I could hear a slight hitch in my breathing. He had to hear it too.

“Don’t look down,” he whispered, his addictive lips so close I could feel each word against my own.


“I can’t help what’s happening in my head or my pants and don’t want something else to apologize for.”

I grinned and looked down. “I think you’re growing a tree in there.” God, he was well endowed.

“That explains why it feels like something’s about to break ground,” he said through gritted teeth.

My eyes found his again. The air between us hung heavy and dense with tension. “What’s on the A.P. friendship syllabus regarding this situation?”

He lifted our joined hands and ran his index finger over my lips. “You write the syllabus. I’m only here for the coursework.”

Not able to stand it one more second, I leaned in and brushed my lips to his. “It’s never only anything with you.”

I indulged with my lips and my tongue, rolling him to his back before making my way down his body to the hard, long gift in his trunks.

Here’s some information about Carrie and if you enjoyed the excerpt where you can find her book.

Carrie Elliott lives in Ohio with her family, loves going to movies that make her cry and has an ice cream addiction–we won’t mention the coffee and chocolate! She’s the author of the True North Series, Cover Me and Listen To Me now available, Resist Me coming Fall 2014. Find her on Twitter and Facebook and make sure to subscribe to Carrie’s newsletter for exclusive giveaways, content, sneak peeks at covers and more! Sign up here:


Twitter: @CarrieEBooks

Amazon Buy Links: – it’s only on Amazon

Cover Me:

Listen To Me:

Friends With Benefits?

Someone once told me that you don’t develop feelings for someone because you spend time with them. I’ve always found the opposite is true.

I’ve been in lust with people at first sight but those that I have truly cared for I cared for their personality before I saw the beauty in their looks. That is the best way as looks fade but if you have a strong connection with someone that goes deeper than purely a physical attraction then that is something you should hold onto because you don’t get many chances at it.

Today I was catching up on some reading and saw the following article in the Metro newspaper:

photo (1)The article is advertising a ‘friends with benefits’ app that requires the users to sign up to a contract that they agree to be friends and have sex. They are not to spoon for more than 10 minutes post sex, no non-prearranged booty calls between the hours of 10pm and 4am, no staying at the other persons house after 8am the following morning, no leaving belongings behind among other things.


The contract lasts for 3 months but with mutual consent it can be extended. Should one party wish to terminate they must take the other for a drink to make up for the loss of benefits.

But the main thing that struck me is that you agree not fall in love. I don’t see how signing an agreement can protect you from this. Especially if you get to know the person, you have a physical connection that is electric and the sex is amazing.

Now I accept you can choose to ignore your feelings for someone and hope that they go away, or submerge yourself in something new to take them away but true feelings never just die, you simply learn how to ignore them.

You might not understand your feelings, you might tell yourself you don’t care but you can’t just deny those feelings exist if they are real. No matter how much time passes those feelings will be there in the background, like they say you never forget your first love and many people reconnect with lost loves after years apart.

The idea behind the app is that people sign up to the contract so they are not burned by having one-sided expectation of where things are going because everything is decided up front.

I guess it saves the awkward conversation about where you see the relationship going and in a perfect world it would work out fine but the world isn’t perfect. You rarely get an equal share of any relationship you are in romantic or not.

The movie that the app is based on is called Friends with Benefits and stars Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Two people who decide to embark on a no strings, no emotions, purely sex friendship and they end up falling in love.

So I tell my friend about the app and the movie because I know it’s not her sort of thing so she won’t have seen  it and she says, well that’s a movie so it doesn’t count.

But then she says, well the same thing happened to me. She embarked on a journey to find a partner for sex and they ended up falling in love and all the sweet and beautiful complications that comes with it.

You see there is rarely anything in life more beautifully, soul crushingly pure and addictive as developing feelings for someone you care about. The pain of wondering if they feel the same but not wanting to ruin the relationship you have finding out.

Sometimes you fight and argue, sometimes you drive each other mad and frustrate each other and wonder why the hell you bother. But I learned that you don’t argue or fight when you don’t care, you just walk away.

You can’t be mad at someone you care about for long because you always remember the things you liked them for in the first place and then it all gets forgotten.

But that’s what makes it so pure and honest. Because when you find yourself spending time with someone whose company you enjoy there is nothing that beats the feeling of being with them or talking to them even if it is about the most basic things.

You can’t fake those feelings and I don’t know why anyone would deny themself those moments when your heart leaps to see their name or hear they voice. Or to lose yourself in finding out the small things that people give away about themself that often mean the most.

Contract or not I couldn’t walk away from someone who made me feel like that and I don’t know why anyone else would either.

Life is hard enough, why deny yourself something that could be good because it’s too complicated to work out a way to make it work?


Summer Storms and Broken Dreams

I’m woken by a bright blue flash of light filling the room. With a start I sit up, taking a second to register what happened. I put my hand out to your side of the bed but feel nothing but emptiness. As I begin to lie back down there is another bright flash, this time more yellowy and I get up to look out the window.

A summer lightning storm with barely a hint of thunder is raging across the otherwise pitch black sky. I stand nervously watching as the sky far off in the distance begins to crack into life in sharp blue, yellow or orange hues. I’ve never liked night time storms.

I wrap my arms around myself as you once did and begin to feel your loss once more. How different things had been only a year ago.

The first night you stayed with me there had been a summer storm and sensing my un-ease you woke and held me tightly protecting me from the imagined terrors. I’ll never forget how gentle you were.

We were still getting to know each other then. Everything was fresh and exciting. Long before the problems started and things fell apart. Oh how I wish we could go back there.

I remember how you took me outside onto the balcony, sat on the lounger, wrapped yourself around me as we sat and watched the storm raging all around us. I felt so safe in your arms. I remember you whispering in my ear there was nothing to fear because you would never let anything hurt me.

How I long for you to take the hurt away now.

I go outside onto the balcony, picking up an old blanket and wrapping myself in it as I sit on the lounger and dream of you. I can almost smell you and hear your heart beating if I concentrate hard enough.

The storm rages on around me filling the sky with light, my eyes become heavy and I drift off to sleep.

In my dream the storm is no longer raging. We are together, sitting on our quiet balcony overlooking the busy town bustling with activity. Every night last summer we sat on the balcony and talked until it got dark and you took me to bed.

I remember the nights when it was too hot to sleep inside so you would pull the bed onto the balcony and we would sleep under the stars. Even on the hottest of nights when you joked about me being hotter than a nuclear reactor you still didn’t push me away.

Every night we fell asleep touching each other in some way. I loved the nights when you fell asleep with your head on my chest, my hand buried in your thick dark hair, your arm wrapped around my waist. When it was cold we would wrap our bodies completely together and snuggle in our joint warmth.

But it wasn’t always happy. There were times when the fights would get too much and each time you came back to me I lost you a little more even though something always brought you back.

I didn’t understand why we couldn’t stay in that happy place all the time. Every time things were going well and I allowed myself to enjoy the moment something happened to mess it all up.

I wake with a start, roused by a bang of thunder overhead and let out a little scream, but you don’t rush to my side to comfort me.

I close my eyes tightly and remember the smell of your sun kissed skin, clammy from the hot summer nights. I hear your voice in my head telling me not to be afraid and to come back to bed but when I go inside it’s only my side of the bed that’s crumpled.

I lie on your side of the bed and wrap myself in the bedclothes pretending to myself that they are your toned arms holding me tight. I breathe in the last of the scent from your pillow as I close my eyes once more. Not to sleep just to dream of you when we were together.

I always loved the way you made me laugh doing silly dances from the bathroom to the bed before stripping for me and kissing me all over then making love to me until we both fell asleep, happy and content in each other’s arms.

Just the sound of your voice or your name appearing on my phone brought the biggest smile to my face; no one ever made me light up like you did.

I miss my friend, talking to you and hearing about your day. I miss the excited way you talked about your future and the things you wanted to achieve and how much I wanted to be there to experience it all with you.

I miss being able to help you when you asked me and the connection we had. I miss finding out all the little things you told me about yourself that made me see how special you are.

I miss the way you made it ok when I was feeling down. But I know that is what made you run in the end, you thought I needed you too much and you couldn’t cope.

A tear rolls down my cheek onto the pillow as I hear your words in my head once more and remember the way you ended it.

I watch you in my mind’s eye kiss my cheek, pick up your bags and walk out the door without turning back.

I remember how it felt when I realised you had blocked my number and my social media accounts so I had no way to contact you, how cold it felt to be cut off like that. I never thought you would ever be so cold.

The hurt is deeper now than it was then as I know that after everything we were for so long you don’t think about me anymore. You moved onto someone new who gets to share all the parts of you that I once shared.

Why do the people you care about always leave you for someone younger?

I was always scared the age difference frightened you but you said it didn’t matter. It never mattered to me, I only ever saw you for who you are, I never needed you to be anything else.

I knew you would find someone your own age one day who didn’t have such a tormented life and when you did you would leave me. I let myself believe you when you said you didn’t think that way, and you liked me for who I was. How I wish I’d fought that feeling harder now.

I never thought you would ever cut me off completely, I always thought our friendship would be strong enough to overcome anything, even if our feelings would never be enough to hold us together.

I glance at the clock and see I’m caught in those hours where I should be in a deep sleep but I’m wide awake. I know if I mange to drift off now it will only be a shallow sleep and I’ll be a wreck tomorrow trying to navigate my way through another boring day in the job I hate. The time drags so much more now I know I don’t have you to look forward to when I get home.

A thought sparks in my mind, a flash of images run through my head of the last time we made love.

I jump out of bed and find your T shirt, the one you left behind that still smells of you.

I take off my pyjamas and pull on your shirt, standing in front of the floor length mirror looking at myself wrapped in your clothes. I never liked the shirt on you, the colour didn’t suit you but since you left it is all I have to remind me of you.

I take my vibrator out of the bedside drawer and open my Ipad to the photo roll that I can’t bring myself to delete.

I stare at the photos of us in happier times. The ones you sent me when we weren’t together and the ones you took of us when we were, so many happy memories that the sad ones are drowned out of my mind.

I sit on your side of the bed and breathing deeply remember how your touch felt on my skin. Your plump lips sucking at my skin, your dark eyes fixed with desire, intently staring at me as you undress me slowly.

I lie back and fix on one photo. The beautiful photo I’ve stared at a million times of you staring back at me and pouting your lips into a kiss. It fills my mind as my hands begin to wander all over my body.

The beautiful things you used to say to me run through my mind, the way you teased me and challenged me, your playful nature, the way you told me exactly what you were going to do to me and how you owned me and no one else would ever measure up.

How those words scare me now. The thought that no one else will ever make me feel the way you made me feel scares me now I’m alone.

I force the thought from my mind and slide the vibrator into my panties, turning it on and leaving it pressed against the entrance to my pussy whilst I stare at your photo and refocus my mind. I play with my breasts wishing you were there to suck and bite them.

I want to kiss your sweet lips that tasted like heaven; bite down on them and feel you smile. I want to feel your erection grow, pressing into me, I want to taste your warm skin as I once did and feel the weight of your body holding me down.

I want you to fill my mouth and my pussy and make my body come alive to your touch.  I want to hear you call me your ‘whore’ and push my boundaries bringing me wave after wave of pleasure.

I want you to pull me over your lap and spank my like your ‘good girl’. I always loved you being in control and how wet your spankings made me.

I loved the way we never left each other wanting and instantly knew what each other needed without having to say.

You don’t have that deep connection with everyone but we did from that first night when I was afraid to let you in. You tore down my walls one by one, made me feel safe and told me I could trust as you weren’t going anywhere.

How I wish you would say that to me now. To throw me down onto the bed and show me who owns me like you used to.

I slide my panties down and rub the head of the vibrator all along my wetness, my eyes not leaving your photo. I need to feel you inside me as I once did and I push the vibrator inside me roughly trying to tell myself it’s you but it doesn’t feel the same. Nothing ever will.

I continue to stare at those beautiful eyes filled with desire and hear your words in my head as I push and pull the vibrator inside me, rocking my hips and rubbing my breasts trying to fool myself it’s you but then it happens again.

The shame washes over me. Instead of the nice things you said to me I hear the last words you ever said and I can’t breathe. I don’t understand how things fell apart so quickly and without warning or what I did wrong.

All I hear now when I try to remember you is those words “I never wanted this, I can’t do it anymore, we’re over.”

It’s been months and I still haven’t been able to achieve an orgasm since I heard those words and watched you walk out of my life.

I feel dirty and shameful as I pull the vibrator out of me and head to the bathroom to clean myself, wash the vibrator and put it away again.

I take off your shirt and pull on my old pyjamas unable to even look at myself in the mirror.

I climb back onto my side of the bed and curl up into a ball, tears falling down my cheeks as I close my eyes.

I try to fall, not asleep as such but out of consciousness for a while, hoping that I won’t see your face in my dreams, hear your voice or talk to you about your day.

It feels like no sooner have I closed my eyes then the IPod starts blaring music to wake me up and my mind starts racing once more.

It was only me that thought things were fine, you were just pretending. You’d already left in mind before body, found someone new and they are your focus now.

I’m all alone, I lost a part of me when you walked out and now I have to rebuild all over again.

You sold me a beautiful dream, all the promises, the things we talked about, the way we were together, the way you made me feel, how do I just forget all that and move on?

For you it’s easy, you have someone to look after you, give you all the things you desire, help you when you’re down and support you. No wonder you don’t miss me.

I climb into the shower, water cascading over my body, trying to focus my mind on the day ahead, the things I need to do but my minds keeps drifting to things I want to say to you, ideas I want to share with you, funny things I’ve seen but it doesn’t matter because I’ll never get to share them with you again.

I dry myself and go to get dressed. I open my underwear drawer and see the lingerie I wore for your eyes only. I pull it all out of the drawer and throw them into the bin.

No matter how much they cost me, when I wear them now I remember how you made me feel when you saw what I was wearing for you and that feeling isn’t healthy anymore.

I’d always dreamed of finding someone I trusted as deeply as I trusted you. A best friend to explore life with, who made me feel alive and challenged me to be better but changing everything in my life so quickly got confusing.

I struggled to understand where you were coming from, I needed you to help me understand.

I could have handled just being friends if that was what you wanted but finding out I wasn’t even good enough for that after everything was such a shock.

Everyone tells me you must miss me and one day you’ll come back but they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that once you make your mind up there is no changing it. Once something becomes your past it stays there and you never look back to it again.

I force myself to eat breakfast and leave the house running to catch my bus. As I sit, cramped up against the window, staring at people bustling about on the streets below I make a decision.

I take my phone out of my pocket and open the photo roll, deleting everything but my favourite photo of you wearing a dark hoodie lips puckered into a kiss, it reminds me of us in happier times.

I go into the phonebook, find your numbers and press delete. Before I get to the emails and social media messages I reach my bus stop.

That’s my task for tonight. Delete all the emails and social media messages and clear my Ipad. I need to get rid of anything in the flat that reminds me of you.

As I walk to work I type a list into my phone of things to do tonight before I forget.

At the top of the list is getting a new bed and pillows, ones that don’t smell of you and maybe look for a new place that won’t be filled of memories of us together.

It was nice while it lasted, the dream you sold me but it turned to dust the day you left and now I have no choice but to throw it all away.

A part of me knows it will never fully be gone, there will always be a part of me that belongs to you and the dream we shared.

I hope one day to find someone who makes me feel close to what you did because I doubt I’ll ever find someone who makes me feel the same way and that just makes me miss you even more.