Someone once told me that you don’t develop feelings for someone because you spend time with them. I’ve always found the opposite is true.
I’ve been in lust with people at first sight but those that I have truly cared for I cared for their personality before I saw the beauty in their looks. That is the best way as looks fade but if you have a strong connection with someone that goes deeper than purely a physical attraction then that is something you should hold onto because you don’t get many chances at it.
Today I was catching up on some reading and saw the following article in the Metro newspaper:
The article is advertising a ‘friends with benefits’ app that requires the users to sign up to a contract that they agree to be friends and have sex. They are not to spoon for more than 10 minutes post sex, no non-prearranged booty calls between the hours of 10pm and 4am, no staying at the other persons house after 8am the following morning, no leaving belongings behind among other things.
The contract lasts for 3 months but with mutual consent it can be extended. Should one party wish to terminate they must take the other for a drink to make up for the loss of benefits.
But the main thing that struck me is that you agree not fall in love. I don’t see how signing an agreement can protect you from this. Especially if you get to know the person, you have a physical connection that is electric and the sex is amazing.
Now I accept you can choose to ignore your feelings for someone and hope that they go away, or submerge yourself in something new to take them away but true feelings never just die, you simply learn how to ignore them.
You might not understand your feelings, you might tell yourself you don’t care but you can’t just deny those feelings exist if they are real. No matter how much time passes those feelings will be there in the background, like they say you never forget your first love and many people reconnect with lost loves after years apart.
The idea behind the app is that people sign up to the contract so they are not burned by having one-sided expectation of where things are going because everything is decided up front.
I guess it saves the awkward conversation about where you see the relationship going and in a perfect world it would work out fine but the world isn’t perfect. You rarely get an equal share of any relationship you are in romantic or not.
The movie that the app is based on is called Friends with Benefits and stars Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Two people who decide to embark on a no strings, no emotions, purely sex friendship and they end up falling in love.
So I tell my friend about the app and the movie because I know it’s not her sort of thing so she won’t have seen it and she says, well that’s a movie so it doesn’t count.
But then she says, well the same thing happened to me. She embarked on a journey to find a partner for sex and they ended up falling in love and all the sweet and beautiful complications that comes with it.
You see there is rarely anything in life more beautifully, soul crushingly pure and addictive as developing feelings for someone you care about. The pain of wondering if they feel the same but not wanting to ruin the relationship you have finding out.
Sometimes you fight and argue, sometimes you drive each other mad and frustrate each other and wonder why the hell you bother. But I learned that you don’t argue or fight when you don’t care, you just walk away.
You can’t be mad at someone you care about for long because you always remember the things you liked them for in the first place and then it all gets forgotten.
But that’s what makes it so pure and honest. Because when you find yourself spending time with someone whose company you enjoy there is nothing that beats the feeling of being with them or talking to them even if it is about the most basic things.
You can’t fake those feelings and I don’t know why anyone would deny themself those moments when your heart leaps to see their name or hear they voice. Or to lose yourself in finding out the small things that people give away about themself that often mean the most.
Contract or not I couldn’t walk away from someone who made me feel like that and I don’t know why anyone else would either.
Life is hard enough, why deny yourself something that could be good because it’s too complicated to work out a way to make it work?