Summer Storms and Broken Dreams

I’m woken by a bright blue flash of light filling the room. With a start I sit up, taking a second to register what happened. I put my hand out to your side of the bed but feel nothing but emptiness. As I begin to lie back down there is another bright flash, this time more yellowy and I get up to look out the window.

A summer lightning storm with barely a hint of thunder is raging across the otherwise pitch black sky. I stand nervously watching as the sky far off in the distance begins to crack into life in sharp blue, yellow or orange hues. I’ve never liked night time storms.

I wrap my arms around myself as you once did and begin to feel your loss once more. How different things had been only a year ago.

The first night you stayed with me there had been a summer storm and sensing my un-ease you woke and held me tightly protecting me from the imagined terrors. I’ll never forget how gentle you were.

We were still getting to know each other then. Everything was fresh and exciting. Long before the problems started and things fell apart. Oh how I wish we could go back there.

I remember how you took me outside onto the balcony, sat on the lounger, wrapped yourself around me as we sat and watched the storm raging all around us. I felt so safe in your arms. I remember you whispering in my ear there was nothing to fear because you would never let anything hurt me.

How I long for you to take the hurt away now.

I go outside onto the balcony, picking up an old blanket and wrapping myself in it as I sit on the lounger and dream of you. I can almost smell you and hear your heart beating if I concentrate hard enough.

The storm rages on around me filling the sky with light, my eyes become heavy and I drift off to sleep.

In my dream the storm is no longer raging. We are together, sitting on our quiet balcony overlooking the busy town bustling with activity. Every night last summer we sat on the balcony and talked until it got dark and you took me to bed.

I remember the nights when it was too hot to sleep inside so you would pull the bed onto the balcony and we would sleep under the stars. Even on the hottest of nights when you joked about me being hotter than a nuclear reactor you still didn’t push me away.

Every night we fell asleep touching each other in some way. I loved the nights when you fell asleep with your head on my chest, my hand buried in your thick dark hair, your arm wrapped around my waist. When it was cold we would wrap our bodies completely together and snuggle in our joint warmth.

But it wasn’t always happy. There were times when the fights would get too much and each time you came back to me I lost you a little more even though something always brought you back.

I didn’t understand why we couldn’t stay in that happy place all the time. Every time things were going well and I allowed myself to enjoy the moment something happened to mess it all up.

I wake with a start, roused by a bang of thunder overhead and let out a little scream, but you don’t rush to my side to comfort me.

I close my eyes tightly and remember the smell of your sun kissed skin, clammy from the hot summer nights. I hear your voice in my head telling me not to be afraid and to come back to bed but when I go inside it’s only my side of the bed that’s crumpled.

I lie on your side of the bed and wrap myself in the bedclothes pretending to myself that they are your toned arms holding me tight. I breathe in the last of the scent from your pillow as I close my eyes once more. Not to sleep just to dream of you when we were together.

I always loved the way you made me laugh doing silly dances from the bathroom to the bed before stripping for me and kissing me all over then making love to me until we both fell asleep, happy and content in each other’s arms.

Just the sound of your voice or your name appearing on my phone brought the biggest smile to my face; no one ever made me light up like you did.

I miss my friend, talking to you and hearing about your day. I miss the excited way you talked about your future and the things you wanted to achieve and how much I wanted to be there to experience it all with you.

I miss being able to help you when you asked me and the connection we had. I miss finding out all the little things you told me about yourself that made me see how special you are.

I miss the way you made it ok when I was feeling down. But I know that is what made you run in the end, you thought I needed you too much and you couldn’t cope.

A tear rolls down my cheek onto the pillow as I hear your words in my head once more and remember the way you ended it.

I watch you in my mind’s eye kiss my cheek, pick up your bags and walk out the door without turning back.

I remember how it felt when I realised you had blocked my number and my social media accounts so I had no way to contact you, how cold it felt to be cut off like that. I never thought you would ever be so cold.

The hurt is deeper now than it was then as I know that after everything we were for so long you don’t think about me anymore. You moved onto someone new who gets to share all the parts of you that I once shared.

Why do the people you care about always leave you for someone younger?

I was always scared the age difference frightened you but you said it didn’t matter. It never mattered to me, I only ever saw you for who you are, I never needed you to be anything else.

I knew you would find someone your own age one day who didn’t have such a tormented life and when you did you would leave me. I let myself believe you when you said you didn’t think that way, and you liked me for who I was. How I wish I’d fought that feeling harder now.

I never thought you would ever cut me off completely, I always thought our friendship would be strong enough to overcome anything, even if our feelings would never be enough to hold us together.

I glance at the clock and see I’m caught in those hours where I should be in a deep sleep but I’m wide awake. I know if I mange to drift off now it will only be a shallow sleep and I’ll be a wreck tomorrow trying to navigate my way through another boring day in the job I hate. The time drags so much more now I know I don’t have you to look forward to when I get home.

A thought sparks in my mind, a flash of images run through my head of the last time we made love.

I jump out of bed and find your T shirt, the one you left behind that still smells of you.

I take off my pyjamas and pull on your shirt, standing in front of the floor length mirror looking at myself wrapped in your clothes. I never liked the shirt on you, the colour didn’t suit you but since you left it is all I have to remind me of you.

I take my vibrator out of the bedside drawer and open my Ipad to the photo roll that I can’t bring myself to delete.

I stare at the photos of us in happier times. The ones you sent me when we weren’t together and the ones you took of us when we were, so many happy memories that the sad ones are drowned out of my mind.

I sit on your side of the bed and breathing deeply remember how your touch felt on my skin. Your plump lips sucking at my skin, your dark eyes fixed with desire, intently staring at me as you undress me slowly.

I lie back and fix on one photo. The beautiful photo I’ve stared at a million times of you staring back at me and pouting your lips into a kiss. It fills my mind as my hands begin to wander all over my body.

The beautiful things you used to say to me run through my mind, the way you teased me and challenged me, your playful nature, the way you told me exactly what you were going to do to me and how you owned me and no one else would ever measure up.

How those words scare me now. The thought that no one else will ever make me feel the way you made me feel scares me now I’m alone.

I force the thought from my mind and slide the vibrator into my panties, turning it on and leaving it pressed against the entrance to my pussy whilst I stare at your photo and refocus my mind. I play with my breasts wishing you were there to suck and bite them.

I want to kiss your sweet lips that tasted like heaven; bite down on them and feel you smile. I want to feel your erection grow, pressing into me, I want to taste your warm skin as I once did and feel the weight of your body holding me down.

I want you to fill my mouth and my pussy and make my body come alive to your touch.  I want to hear you call me your ‘whore’ and push my boundaries bringing me wave after wave of pleasure.

I want you to pull me over your lap and spank my like your ‘good girl’. I always loved you being in control and how wet your spankings made me.

I loved the way we never left each other wanting and instantly knew what each other needed without having to say.

You don’t have that deep connection with everyone but we did from that first night when I was afraid to let you in. You tore down my walls one by one, made me feel safe and told me I could trust as you weren’t going anywhere.

How I wish you would say that to me now. To throw me down onto the bed and show me who owns me like you used to.

I slide my panties down and rub the head of the vibrator all along my wetness, my eyes not leaving your photo. I need to feel you inside me as I once did and I push the vibrator inside me roughly trying to tell myself it’s you but it doesn’t feel the same. Nothing ever will.

I continue to stare at those beautiful eyes filled with desire and hear your words in my head as I push and pull the vibrator inside me, rocking my hips and rubbing my breasts trying to fool myself it’s you but then it happens again.

The shame washes over me. Instead of the nice things you said to me I hear the last words you ever said and I can’t breathe. I don’t understand how things fell apart so quickly and without warning or what I did wrong.

All I hear now when I try to remember you is those words “I never wanted this, I can’t do it anymore, we’re over.”

It’s been months and I still haven’t been able to achieve an orgasm since I heard those words and watched you walk out of my life.

I feel dirty and shameful as I pull the vibrator out of me and head to the bathroom to clean myself, wash the vibrator and put it away again.

I take off your shirt and pull on my old pyjamas unable to even look at myself in the mirror.

I climb back onto my side of the bed and curl up into a ball, tears falling down my cheeks as I close my eyes.

I try to fall, not asleep as such but out of consciousness for a while, hoping that I won’t see your face in my dreams, hear your voice or talk to you about your day.

It feels like no sooner have I closed my eyes then the IPod starts blaring music to wake me up and my mind starts racing once more.

It was only me that thought things were fine, you were just pretending. You’d already left in mind before body, found someone new and they are your focus now.

I’m all alone, I lost a part of me when you walked out and now I have to rebuild all over again.

You sold me a beautiful dream, all the promises, the things we talked about, the way we were together, the way you made me feel, how do I just forget all that and move on?

For you it’s easy, you have someone to look after you, give you all the things you desire, help you when you’re down and support you. No wonder you don’t miss me.

I climb into the shower, water cascading over my body, trying to focus my mind on the day ahead, the things I need to do but my minds keeps drifting to things I want to say to you, ideas I want to share with you, funny things I’ve seen but it doesn’t matter because I’ll never get to share them with you again.

I dry myself and go to get dressed. I open my underwear drawer and see the lingerie I wore for your eyes only. I pull it all out of the drawer and throw them into the bin.

No matter how much they cost me, when I wear them now I remember how you made me feel when you saw what I was wearing for you and that feeling isn’t healthy anymore.

I’d always dreamed of finding someone I trusted as deeply as I trusted you. A best friend to explore life with, who made me feel alive and challenged me to be better but changing everything in my life so quickly got confusing.

I struggled to understand where you were coming from, I needed you to help me understand.

I could have handled just being friends if that was what you wanted but finding out I wasn’t even good enough for that after everything was such a shock.

Everyone tells me you must miss me and one day you’ll come back but they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that once you make your mind up there is no changing it. Once something becomes your past it stays there and you never look back to it again.

I force myself to eat breakfast and leave the house running to catch my bus. As I sit, cramped up against the window, staring at people bustling about on the streets below I make a decision.

I take my phone out of my pocket and open the photo roll, deleting everything but my favourite photo of you wearing a dark hoodie lips puckered into a kiss, it reminds me of us in happier times.

I go into the phonebook, find your numbers and press delete. Before I get to the emails and social media messages I reach my bus stop.

That’s my task for tonight. Delete all the emails and social media messages and clear my Ipad. I need to get rid of anything in the flat that reminds me of you.

As I walk to work I type a list into my phone of things to do tonight before I forget.

At the top of the list is getting a new bed and pillows, ones that don’t smell of you and maybe look for a new place that won’t be filled of memories of us together.

It was nice while it lasted, the dream you sold me but it turned to dust the day you left and now I have no choice but to throw it all away.

A part of me knows it will never fully be gone, there will always be a part of me that belongs to you and the dream we shared.

I hope one day to find someone who makes me feel close to what you did because I doubt I’ll ever find someone who makes me feel the same way and that just makes me miss you even more.

The Power of Dreams

The note he left on the bedside table read:

‘I didn’t want it to end this way but I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m cutting you loose and moving on with my life. Don’t try calling or messaging me, I have blocked your numbers. Relationships end, let me go. I’m sure you’ll be happy without me, just let me go.’

It’s been two weeks since I woke to find his note. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I won’t see or hear from him again. He gave up on our relationship with no warning and no explanation just a note on the bedside table telling me to ‘let him go’.

Like it’s that easy. Well it was for him at least.

I wanted to scream and shout, I wanted to cry and argue but mostly I needed to understand what I did wrong. Everything seemed so good and so right and then out of nowhere it ended.

It’s hard to let him go but each day that passes I tell myself it is getting easier. It isn’t. I tell myself he never cared about me, if he did he wouldn’t have ended it the way he did. But it doesn’t help.

I tell myself I miss a person that never existed and a relationship that I created in my mind but I have our messages and photos as a reminder.

He left and told me to let him go but you don’t just stop caring for someone like that. When you care for someone a part of you is always connected to them and even though you aren’t together that part of you will always miss them. Sure in time you learn to ignore it but it’s always there.

Every time you do something you did together or see something you want to tell them you remember they aren’t there anymore. They don’t care about you and they have moved on. If only it was that easy.

If our relationship was a blurb on a novel it would be:

Two strangers meet and embark on a year-long discovery of themselves, forging a unique relationship that teeters on friendship with the distant promise of more only to find their paths split and they go their separate ways.’

It might have potential.

My path began with a steep climb over the corpse the of relationship I thought I knew so well.

I threw myself into work and all the things I neglected while my mind was filled with other things. I found a new focus and try to tell myself I’m happy daily. To all intents and purposes I am happy. I’ve always been a happy person but I’ll never be as happy as I was when things were good with him.

No matter how I fill my days when I climb into bed at night his face pops into my mind. I hear his voice in my head and see him smile at me before leaning in to kiss me goodnight.

I have to force myself to drown the memories out. I pick a song and begin to sing it in my head, making the memories go away.

I close my eyes and its back again, that bloody note and those horrible words throwing everything we had away. Throwing me away. I toss and turn until eventually manage to force the thoughts away and drift off to sleep.

A couple of times he has appeared in my dreams and I have had to fight myself to wake up. Last night was different.

I was in a deep dream that I can barely remember now but when I forced myself to wake I grabbed my pen and notebook and wrote down all that I could remember. I wanted to look back on it when I woke up to see if I could make sense of it all.

I’ve always had powerful dreams from time to time. Conversations that I’ve gone on to have with people in real life. I’ve even had romantic dreams that were so real I could feel the persons hands and touch and woke up a hot sticky mess of excitement.

When I woke this morning and opened my notebook this is what I read:

I was sitting on the bed reading a magazine and drinking a cup of tea, making mental plans for my day when he walks into the room.

He stands in the doorway looking at me but is clearly unsure of what to say or do. I look up at him standing there in his tight white t-shirt showing off his shapely arms, nicely fitted blue trousers that are rolled at the ankle, he’s bare footed and his hair looks like he just stepped out of the shower. Those beautiful hazel eyes I never thought I would see again stare back at me and I feel the anger melting away.

He walks over to me, neither of us knowing what to say or do, he stops as his hand is by my side. I grab it and smile as I pull him onto the bed, him falling onto me, his legs trapping mine as he adjusts himself to sit up and laughs. It broke some of the tension at least.

He sits with his back against the wall facing me. One hand stretched out on the bed next to him agonizingly close to my hand. His legs over mine with his feet close to my other hand. But still neither of us knows what to say, we just sit and look into each others eyes.

“Now I’m here I have no idea what to say.”

He slides his fingers towards mine and at his touch electricity runs through my whole body. We interlock our fingers as he gently runs his thumb across my hand.

I never thought I would see him again and yet he’s sitting here with me, not saying a word, our hands interlocked. I feel safe, like I always did when I was with him.

I need to touch his soft warm skin once more. I always loved his beautiful clear skin, especially when it was wrapped around my mole covered skin.I reach out my hand and slowly explore up the inside of his trouser leg and the thick black hair on his shapely calves. He looks at me and smiles.

We sit in silence, hands interlocked, my hand on his calf, eye to eye, the tension building between us but saying nothing.

“I missed you. I never thought I would see you again.” He just looks at me and says “I know.”

My body begins to ache for him, holding hands is no longer enough. Him being back here feels right, it stirs something inside me and the palpable sexual tension between us does nothing to ease the situation.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, lets eat.” He gets off the bed and stands by the door waiting for me.

As I go to leave the room he takes my hand and leads me down the stairs to the kitchen. He guides me to the stool and pulls it out from under the counter for me to sit.

“I’ll make us something.” I sit and watch as he opens the fridge and the cupboards, taking out the ingredients he wants.

I always loved watching him cook. I’d sit with a glass of wine and we’d talk about our days and laugh over all the stupid and annoying things that happened.

Now I sit and watch in silence, unsure of what to say. There were so many questions I wanted him to answer when he left but now he is here they don’t seem to matter anymore. I never could be angry with him.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah sure. I’ll cut everything up and you can stir. Ok?”

“Ok.” I take out a frying pan and place it on the hob as I watch him slicing onions and peppers.

He picks up the board and moves beside me, our bodies touching as he slides the vegetables into the pan. He doesn’t move for a second, we are still touching as I begin to stir the pan.

He turns away and starts to chop some meat from the fridge as I stir the vegetables in silence.

We have to talk, but where do we even begin? We can’t ignore each other forever. He came here for a reason.

If he left something behind he could have picked it up when I was out and posted the key through the door. I didn’t even think to get the key back, he left without saying goodbye it was the last of my worries.

“Hey daydream girl, shift over.” He laughs as he nudges me to the side and pours the meat into the pan. “Where were you? I was talking but you didn’t hear me.”

“Oh nowhere, sorry.”

“Sit down, I got this now.” He smiles and nods towards the stool.

I sit down and watch him like I’ve done a thousand times before. The energy between us is undeniable but neither of us knows what to do with it. We never seemed to have a problem before.

“Can you get me the chicken stock from the cupboard?”

“Ok.” I walk to the other side of the room and open the cupboard door as I feel his hand go on top of mine. His body is right behind me.

He’s taller but only by a few inches, I always thought we were the perfect height together. His arm goes round my waist as he pulls me tighter to him. His hand lets my hand go and my arm falls to my side, I’m unable to support it. He moves my hair from my shoulder and I feel his breath on my neck.

I feel the arousal building inside of me as his senses take me over. The smell of him, his soft warm skin wrapped around me, the way his body is so close to mine, his mouth, those plump kissable lips achingly close to my bare neck but he doesn’t touch me.

He reaches out his hand and takes the chicken stock from the cupboard. Without saying a word he lets me go and turns back to carry on making the dinner.

I’m frozen to the spot. My legs are weak from the way he was holding me, touching me, the expectation of where it would lead. But then the anger rises inside of me. I turn to see his back facing me as he focuses on the cooking.

If he just came here to play games he can leave and never come back. I had enough of the ups and downs of our relationship when we were together. Never knowing where I stood.

One minute we are friends, the next more than that, then back to friends again. It drained me so much in the end I couldn’t even think straight and a part of me was glad he left.

“What are you even doing here? You left remember? You told me to ‘let you go’. Didn’t you hurt me enough already? What you thought you’d come back to play with me one last time and finish the job off?”

He turns and comes straight at me as I step back and flinch not knowing what he is planning to do. His hand goes into my hair as he urgently pulls my face to his burying his lips onto mine and pressing his muscular body against me.

I run my fingers along his arm as we sink deeper into a passionate kiss before he steps back. His hand still in my hair, my fingers resting on his tight bicep. He looks deep into my eyes and says “How could you ever think I would deliberately hurt you? How do you not understand what you mean to me?”

I push him away. It’s starting all over again. I’m falling under his spell. Something about him never made me want to say no. I loved everything about our time together.

Yet somehow he made me feel that everything was always my fault. I lost track of the times he made me feel I wasn’t good enough for him.

“You left, you hurt me, you told me to let you go. You don’t get to just walk back in here like nothing happened. You don’t get to tell me how much I mean to you when you threw me away like I was nothing. Like our relationship meant nothing. I haven’t changed, you thought I wasn’t good enough for you and left so what’s changed now?”

“What? Of course you were good enough for me. When did I ever say you weren’t?”

“Every time you made me feel like a screw up I felt like that. All I ever needed was for you to talk to me. I needed to know we were on the same page. But all you ever did was hide from me and take it out on me when I didn’t know what you wanted. You never told me, how was I supposed to know?”

“No matter what I did for you, you never saw it, how much I cared for you. I only ever asked for friendship in return but we couldn’t ignore the connection between us. We’d both try but it was always there and it was fun. But then you’d call me a manipulative liar and throw all my time and effort back in my face. I took a chance on you when I didn’t want to, I was scared if I did I would lose our friendship and I would rather have had that than nothing. You said I could trust you not to hurt me, you lied and now we can’t go back. You make me feel like I’m worthless and you deserve better. But I deserved better.”

The pan spits and he turns to see to the food. I wait for him to reply but he is silent.

“You know what. All you ever needed to do was talk to me. When things went wrong it was because you stopped talking. When things were good it was because we were open with each other. If you can’t see that there is nothing to say. Things could have been good all the time if you trusted me enough to be honest like you always said you would.”

I go to walk out but he grabs my arm. “Where are you going now? You’re right I should have spoken to you when you wanted to know where you stood. But I never knew what to say. I told you I didn’t want a relationship and we kept drifting into one anyway.”

“There is a lot of life I want to experience. You knew all along I was seeing other girls. But in the end I’d spend most of my time with you. I met someone else and it was fun and new and yet you still wanted my time and got in my way. So I asked you to let me go so I could be me.”

“But then you weren’t there and I missed you. I wanted to know you were ok because I knew me leaving would hurt you, it hurt me too.”

He let’s go of my arm and sits on the stool. “I know I hurt you and you know I never meant to. Things just got out of hand and I didn’t know what to do. You know I’ll always care about you. I wouldn’t have spent all that time with you if I hadn’t wanted to would I?”

“But I need to see other people, and I get sucked in too deep with you. I don’t know what to do. I miss you when you’re not there but I want other people too. I couldn’t let you carry on like this because I knew it was hurting you and that meant it was hurting me too.”

“I ended it for your own good so you could find someone who will focus on you. I can’t give you what you want, I don’t know if I ever will be able to. I should have let you go a long time ago when I first got carried away but I was so busy and you helped me and I wasn’t thinking past that. Now I’m not so busy I’ve had time to think and see things from your point of view and I couldn’t do that to you anymore. I had to end things.”

Before I realise what is happening I slap his face so hard it makes my hand sting. I walk into the downstairs toilet and throw up with anger and nerves. I have no idea how to deal with this.

“Are you ok? Come back and sit down so we can talk.” He touches my arm tenderly but I push him away.

“Why would I want to talk to you? I told you all along I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted us to be friends. You confused me by making it more. I couldn’t resist it as it always felt so good. It made me crave more so I tried to make sure we felt the same so I wasn’t setting myself up for a fall. But you were never honest with me.”

“Our friendship was always the most important thing to me and you took it away from me and ruined it. How are we ever supposed to fix this stupid mess? How can I ever trust you again? You’ll get carried away again and I’ll get hurt because you’ll just stop talking again. I don’t have the energy anymore I used it all up. Friends don’t hurt each other like this.”

“I miss you so much but I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. It feels like you lied to me all this time and used me and now I have nothing left to give. I feel so alone all the time and I can’t bear it anymore. I never wanted to care about you because I knew I would get hurt but you promised me I could trust you and I believed you.”

He reaches out to grab me and pulls me into him as I begin to cry.

That’s when I force myself to wake up, before I make things any worse.

It felt so real to me at the time. Like he was standing there with me. I could hear his voice, feel his touch and smell him but it was all a dream.

I wonder if it felt so real because he was dreaming about me too. I wonder if the connection we once had is the reason I sometimes feel so close to him even though he is no longer here. Because at the same time he is thinking about me.

But I’ll never know and torturing myself believing that he cares and will one day come back is getting me nowhere.

He doesn’t care about me anymore, he doesn’t even consider me a friend, he made that perfectly clear.

He found someone new and doesn’t need me anymore, he felt I was holding him back when all I ever tried to do was help him. But he never wanted to understand where I was coming from.

It doesn’t matter why he hurt me all those times, it only matters that he did. All he needed to do was talk to me and all that pain could have been avoided but he didn’t care enough.

A part of me will always care about him. It’s the part that finds it so hard to let go. The part that misses the person I thought I knew.

But there is anger too at the way he treated me and how easy it was for him to let me go. It feels like the time we spent together meant nothing. Time and effort I can never get back and that seems so wasted now.

A part of me wishes everyday that I’ll see his name on my phone once more but how can we ever make that call? What would we even say to each other?

We can’t pretend it never happened. I can’t forget that I got hurt. Sorry will never be enough.

Who knows what he thinks and feels about it all. I suspect he doesn’t think of me at all.

So I sit here all alone, trying to forget. I miss him and try to smile when a memory flashes through my mind. But it gets me nowhere.

Right now it feels like I’m doomed to be alone forever, pining for a man who just gave up.