The note he left on the bedside table read:
‘I didn’t want it to end this way but I can’t do this to myself anymore. I’m cutting you loose and moving on with my life. Don’t try calling or messaging me, I have blocked your numbers. Relationships end, let me go. I’m sure you’ll be happy without me, just let me go.’
It’s been two weeks since I woke to find his note. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I won’t see or hear from him again. He gave up on our relationship with no warning and no explanation just a note on the bedside table telling me to ‘let him go’.
Like it’s that easy. Well it was for him at least.
I wanted to scream and shout, I wanted to cry and argue but mostly I needed to understand what I did wrong. Everything seemed so good and so right and then out of nowhere it ended.
It’s hard to let him go but each day that passes I tell myself it is getting easier. It isn’t. I tell myself he never cared about me, if he did he wouldn’t have ended it the way he did. But it doesn’t help.
I tell myself I miss a person that never existed and a relationship that I created in my mind but I have our messages and photos as a reminder.
He left and told me to let him go but you don’t just stop caring for someone like that. When you care for someone a part of you is always connected to them and even though you aren’t together that part of you will always miss them. Sure in time you learn to ignore it but it’s always there.
Every time you do something you did together or see something you want to tell them you remember they aren’t there anymore. They don’t care about you and they have moved on. If only it was that easy.
If our relationship was a blurb on a novel it would be:
‘Two strangers meet and embark on a year-long discovery of themselves, forging a unique relationship that teeters on friendship with the distant promise of more only to find their paths split and they go their separate ways.’
It might have potential.
My path began with a steep climb over the corpse the of relationship I thought I knew so well.
I threw myself into work and all the things I neglected while my mind was filled with other things. I found a new focus and try to tell myself I’m happy daily. To all intents and purposes I am happy. I’ve always been a happy person but I’ll never be as happy as I was when things were good with him.
No matter how I fill my days when I climb into bed at night his face pops into my mind. I hear his voice in my head and see him smile at me before leaning in to kiss me goodnight.
I have to force myself to drown the memories out. I pick a song and begin to sing it in my head, making the memories go away.
I close my eyes and its back again, that bloody note and those horrible words throwing everything we had away. Throwing me away. I toss and turn until eventually manage to force the thoughts away and drift off to sleep.
A couple of times he has appeared in my dreams and I have had to fight myself to wake up. Last night was different.
I was in a deep dream that I can barely remember now but when I forced myself to wake I grabbed my pen and notebook and wrote down all that I could remember. I wanted to look back on it when I woke up to see if I could make sense of it all.
I’ve always had powerful dreams from time to time. Conversations that I’ve gone on to have with people in real life. I’ve even had romantic dreams that were so real I could feel the persons hands and touch and woke up a hot sticky mess of excitement.
When I woke this morning and opened my notebook this is what I read:
I was sitting on the bed reading a magazine and drinking a cup of tea, making mental plans for my day when he walks into the room.
He stands in the doorway looking at me but is clearly unsure of what to say or do. I look up at him standing there in his tight white t-shirt showing off his shapely arms, nicely fitted blue trousers that are rolled at the ankle, he’s bare footed and his hair looks like he just stepped out of the shower. Those beautiful hazel eyes I never thought I would see again stare back at me and I feel the anger melting away.
He walks over to me, neither of us knowing what to say or do, he stops as his hand is by my side. I grab it and smile as I pull him onto the bed, him falling onto me, his legs trapping mine as he adjusts himself to sit up and laughs. It broke some of the tension at least.
He sits with his back against the wall facing me. One hand stretched out on the bed next to him agonizingly close to my hand. His legs over mine with his feet close to my other hand. But still neither of us knows what to say, we just sit and look into each others eyes.
“Now I’m here I have no idea what to say.”
He slides his fingers towards mine and at his touch electricity runs through my whole body. We interlock our fingers as he gently runs his thumb across my hand.
I never thought I would see him again and yet he’s sitting here with me, not saying a word, our hands interlocked. I feel safe, like I always did when I was with him.
I need to touch his soft warm skin once more. I always loved his beautiful clear skin, especially when it was wrapped around my mole covered skin.I reach out my hand and slowly explore up the inside of his trouser leg and the thick black hair on his shapely calves. He looks at me and smiles.
We sit in silence, hands interlocked, my hand on his calf, eye to eye, the tension building between us but saying nothing.
“I missed you. I never thought I would see you again.” He just looks at me and says “I know.”
My body begins to ache for him, holding hands is no longer enough. Him being back here feels right, it stirs something inside me and the palpable sexual tension between us does nothing to ease the situation.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, lets eat.” He gets off the bed and stands by the door waiting for me.
As I go to leave the room he takes my hand and leads me down the stairs to the kitchen. He guides me to the stool and pulls it out from under the counter for me to sit.
“I’ll make us something.” I sit and watch as he opens the fridge and the cupboards, taking out the ingredients he wants.
I always loved watching him cook. I’d sit with a glass of wine and we’d talk about our days and laugh over all the stupid and annoying things that happened.
Now I sit and watch in silence, unsure of what to say. There were so many questions I wanted him to answer when he left but now he is here they don’t seem to matter anymore. I never could be angry with him.
“Can I help?”
“Yeah sure. I’ll cut everything up and you can stir. Ok?”
“Ok.” I take out a frying pan and place it on the hob as I watch him slicing onions and peppers.
He picks up the board and moves beside me, our bodies touching as he slides the vegetables into the pan. He doesn’t move for a second, we are still touching as I begin to stir the pan.
He turns away and starts to chop some meat from the fridge as I stir the vegetables in silence.
We have to talk, but where do we even begin? We can’t ignore each other forever. He came here for a reason.
If he left something behind he could have picked it up when I was out and posted the key through the door. I didn’t even think to get the key back, he left without saying goodbye it was the last of my worries.
“Hey daydream girl, shift over.” He laughs as he nudges me to the side and pours the meat into the pan. “Where were you? I was talking but you didn’t hear me.”
“Oh nowhere, sorry.”
“Sit down, I got this now.” He smiles and nods towards the stool.
I sit down and watch him like I’ve done a thousand times before. The energy between us is undeniable but neither of us knows what to do with it. We never seemed to have a problem before.
“Can you get me the chicken stock from the cupboard?”
“Ok.” I walk to the other side of the room and open the cupboard door as I feel his hand go on top of mine. His body is right behind me.
He’s taller but only by a few inches, I always thought we were the perfect height together. His arm goes round my waist as he pulls me tighter to him. His hand lets my hand go and my arm falls to my side, I’m unable to support it. He moves my hair from my shoulder and I feel his breath on my neck.
I feel the arousal building inside of me as his senses take me over. The smell of him, his soft warm skin wrapped around me, the way his body is so close to mine, his mouth, those plump kissable lips achingly close to my bare neck but he doesn’t touch me.
He reaches out his hand and takes the chicken stock from the cupboard. Without saying a word he lets me go and turns back to carry on making the dinner.
I’m frozen to the spot. My legs are weak from the way he was holding me, touching me, the expectation of where it would lead. But then the anger rises inside of me. I turn to see his back facing me as he focuses on the cooking.
If he just came here to play games he can leave and never come back. I had enough of the ups and downs of our relationship when we were together. Never knowing where I stood.
One minute we are friends, the next more than that, then back to friends again. It drained me so much in the end I couldn’t even think straight and a part of me was glad he left.
“What are you even doing here? You left remember? You told me to ‘let you go’. Didn’t you hurt me enough already? What you thought you’d come back to play with me one last time and finish the job off?”
He turns and comes straight at me as I step back and flinch not knowing what he is planning to do. His hand goes into my hair as he urgently pulls my face to his burying his lips onto mine and pressing his muscular body against me.
I run my fingers along his arm as we sink deeper into a passionate kiss before he steps back. His hand still in my hair, my fingers resting on his tight bicep. He looks deep into my eyes and says “How could you ever think I would deliberately hurt you? How do you not understand what you mean to me?”
I push him away. It’s starting all over again. I’m falling under his spell. Something about him never made me want to say no. I loved everything about our time together.
Yet somehow he made me feel that everything was always my fault. I lost track of the times he made me feel I wasn’t good enough for him.
“You left, you hurt me, you told me to let you go. You don’t get to just walk back in here like nothing happened. You don’t get to tell me how much I mean to you when you threw me away like I was nothing. Like our relationship meant nothing. I haven’t changed, you thought I wasn’t good enough for you and left so what’s changed now?”
“What? Of course you were good enough for me. When did I ever say you weren’t?”
“Every time you made me feel like a screw up I felt like that. All I ever needed was for you to talk to me. I needed to know we were on the same page. But all you ever did was hide from me and take it out on me when I didn’t know what you wanted. You never told me, how was I supposed to know?”
“No matter what I did for you, you never saw it, how much I cared for you. I only ever asked for friendship in return but we couldn’t ignore the connection between us. We’d both try but it was always there and it was fun. But then you’d call me a manipulative liar and throw all my time and effort back in my face. I took a chance on you when I didn’t want to, I was scared if I did I would lose our friendship and I would rather have had that than nothing. You said I could trust you not to hurt me, you lied and now we can’t go back. You make me feel like I’m worthless and you deserve better. But I deserved better.”
The pan spits and he turns to see to the food. I wait for him to reply but he is silent.
“You know what. All you ever needed to do was talk to me. When things went wrong it was because you stopped talking. When things were good it was because we were open with each other. If you can’t see that there is nothing to say. Things could have been good all the time if you trusted me enough to be honest like you always said you would.”
I go to walk out but he grabs my arm. “Where are you going now? You’re right I should have spoken to you when you wanted to know where you stood. But I never knew what to say. I told you I didn’t want a relationship and we kept drifting into one anyway.”
“There is a lot of life I want to experience. You knew all along I was seeing other girls. But in the end I’d spend most of my time with you. I met someone else and it was fun and new and yet you still wanted my time and got in my way. So I asked you to let me go so I could be me.”
“But then you weren’t there and I missed you. I wanted to know you were ok because I knew me leaving would hurt you, it hurt me too.”
He let’s go of my arm and sits on the stool. “I know I hurt you and you know I never meant to. Things just got out of hand and I didn’t know what to do. You know I’ll always care about you. I wouldn’t have spent all that time with you if I hadn’t wanted to would I?”
“But I need to see other people, and I get sucked in too deep with you. I don’t know what to do. I miss you when you’re not there but I want other people too. I couldn’t let you carry on like this because I knew it was hurting you and that meant it was hurting me too.”
“I ended it for your own good so you could find someone who will focus on you. I can’t give you what you want, I don’t know if I ever will be able to. I should have let you go a long time ago when I first got carried away but I was so busy and you helped me and I wasn’t thinking past that. Now I’m not so busy I’ve had time to think and see things from your point of view and I couldn’t do that to you anymore. I had to end things.”
Before I realise what is happening I slap his face so hard it makes my hand sting. I walk into the downstairs toilet and throw up with anger and nerves. I have no idea how to deal with this.
“Are you ok? Come back and sit down so we can talk.” He touches my arm tenderly but I push him away.
“Why would I want to talk to you? I told you all along I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted us to be friends. You confused me by making it more. I couldn’t resist it as it always felt so good. It made me crave more so I tried to make sure we felt the same so I wasn’t setting myself up for a fall. But you were never honest with me.”
“Our friendship was always the most important thing to me and you took it away from me and ruined it. How are we ever supposed to fix this stupid mess? How can I ever trust you again? You’ll get carried away again and I’ll get hurt because you’ll just stop talking again. I don’t have the energy anymore I used it all up. Friends don’t hurt each other like this.”
“I miss you so much but I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore. It feels like you lied to me all this time and used me and now I have nothing left to give. I feel so alone all the time and I can’t bear it anymore. I never wanted to care about you because I knew I would get hurt but you promised me I could trust you and I believed you.”
He reaches out to grab me and pulls me into him as I begin to cry.
That’s when I force myself to wake up, before I make things any worse.
It felt so real to me at the time. Like he was standing there with me. I could hear his voice, feel his touch and smell him but it was all a dream.
I wonder if it felt so real because he was dreaming about me too. I wonder if the connection we once had is the reason I sometimes feel so close to him even though he is no longer here. Because at the same time he is thinking about me.
But I’ll never know and torturing myself believing that he cares and will one day come back is getting me nowhere.
He doesn’t care about me anymore, he doesn’t even consider me a friend, he made that perfectly clear.
He found someone new and doesn’t need me anymore, he felt I was holding him back when all I ever tried to do was help him. But he never wanted to understand where I was coming from.
It doesn’t matter why he hurt me all those times, it only matters that he did. All he needed to do was talk to me and all that pain could have been avoided but he didn’t care enough.
A part of me will always care about him. It’s the part that finds it so hard to let go. The part that misses the person I thought I knew.
But there is anger too at the way he treated me and how easy it was for him to let me go. It feels like the time we spent together meant nothing. Time and effort I can never get back and that seems so wasted now.
A part of me wishes everyday that I’ll see his name on my phone once more but how can we ever make that call? What would we even say to each other?
We can’t pretend it never happened. I can’t forget that I got hurt. Sorry will never be enough.
Who knows what he thinks and feels about it all. I suspect he doesn’t think of me at all.
So I sit here all alone, trying to forget. I miss him and try to smile when a memory flashes through my mind. But it gets me nowhere.
Right now it feels like I’m doomed to be alone forever, pining for a man who just gave up.