I’m woken by a bright blue flash of light filling the room. With a start I sit up, taking a second to register what happened. I put my hand out to your side of the bed but feel nothing but emptiness. As I begin to lie back down there is another bright flash, this time more yellowy and I get up to look out the window.
A summer lightning storm with barely a hint of thunder is raging across the otherwise pitch black sky. I stand nervously watching as the sky far off in the distance begins to crack into life in sharp blue, yellow or orange hues. I’ve never liked night time storms.
I wrap my arms around myself as you once did and begin to feel your loss once more. How different things had been only a year ago.
The first night you stayed with me there had been a summer storm and sensing my un-ease you woke and held me tightly protecting me from the imagined terrors. I’ll never forget how gentle you were.
We were still getting to know each other then. Everything was fresh and exciting. Long before the problems started and things fell apart. Oh how I wish we could go back there.
I remember how you took me outside onto the balcony, sat on the lounger, wrapped yourself around me as we sat and watched the storm raging all around us. I felt so safe in your arms. I remember you whispering in my ear there was nothing to fear because you would never let anything hurt me.
How I long for you to take the hurt away now.
I go outside onto the balcony, picking up an old blanket and wrapping myself in it as I sit on the lounger and dream of you. I can almost smell you and hear your heart beating if I concentrate hard enough.
The storm rages on around me filling the sky with light, my eyes become heavy and I drift off to sleep.
In my dream the storm is no longer raging. We are together, sitting on our quiet balcony overlooking the busy town bustling with activity. Every night last summer we sat on the balcony and talked until it got dark and you took me to bed.
I remember the nights when it was too hot to sleep inside so you would pull the bed onto the balcony and we would sleep under the stars. Even on the hottest of nights when you joked about me being hotter than a nuclear reactor you still didn’t push me away.
Every night we fell asleep touching each other in some way. I loved the nights when you fell asleep with your head on my chest, my hand buried in your thick dark hair, your arm wrapped around my waist. When it was cold we would wrap our bodies completely together and snuggle in our joint warmth.
But it wasn’t always happy. There were times when the fights would get too much and each time you came back to me I lost you a little more even though something always brought you back.
I didn’t understand why we couldn’t stay in that happy place all the time. Every time things were going well and I allowed myself to enjoy the moment something happened to mess it all up.
I wake with a start, roused by a bang of thunder overhead and let out a little scream, but you don’t rush to my side to comfort me.
I close my eyes tightly and remember the smell of your sun kissed skin, clammy from the hot summer nights. I hear your voice in my head telling me not to be afraid and to come back to bed but when I go inside it’s only my side of the bed that’s crumpled.
I lie on your side of the bed and wrap myself in the bedclothes pretending to myself that they are your toned arms holding me tight. I breathe in the last of the scent from your pillow as I close my eyes once more. Not to sleep just to dream of you when we were together.
I always loved the way you made me laugh doing silly dances from the bathroom to the bed before stripping for me and kissing me all over then making love to me until we both fell asleep, happy and content in each other’s arms.
Just the sound of your voice or your name appearing on my phone brought the biggest smile to my face; no one ever made me light up like you did.
I miss my friend, talking to you and hearing about your day. I miss the excited way you talked about your future and the things you wanted to achieve and how much I wanted to be there to experience it all with you.
I miss being able to help you when you asked me and the connection we had. I miss finding out all the little things you told me about yourself that made me see how special you are.
I miss the way you made it ok when I was feeling down. But I know that is what made you run in the end, you thought I needed you too much and you couldn’t cope.
A tear rolls down my cheek onto the pillow as I hear your words in my head once more and remember the way you ended it.
I watch you in my mind’s eye kiss my cheek, pick up your bags and walk out the door without turning back.
I remember how it felt when I realised you had blocked my number and my social media accounts so I had no way to contact you, how cold it felt to be cut off like that. I never thought you would ever be so cold.
The hurt is deeper now than it was then as I know that after everything we were for so long you don’t think about me anymore. You moved onto someone new who gets to share all the parts of you that I once shared.
Why do the people you care about always leave you for someone younger?
I was always scared the age difference frightened you but you said it didn’t matter. It never mattered to me, I only ever saw you for who you are, I never needed you to be anything else.
I knew you would find someone your own age one day who didn’t have such a tormented life and when you did you would leave me. I let myself believe you when you said you didn’t think that way, and you liked me for who I was. How I wish I’d fought that feeling harder now.
I never thought you would ever cut me off completely, I always thought our friendship would be strong enough to overcome anything, even if our feelings would never be enough to hold us together.
I glance at the clock and see I’m caught in those hours where I should be in a deep sleep but I’m wide awake. I know if I mange to drift off now it will only be a shallow sleep and I’ll be a wreck tomorrow trying to navigate my way through another boring day in the job I hate. The time drags so much more now I know I don’t have you to look forward to when I get home.
A thought sparks in my mind, a flash of images run through my head of the last time we made love.
I jump out of bed and find your T shirt, the one you left behind that still smells of you.
I take off my pyjamas and pull on your shirt, standing in front of the floor length mirror looking at myself wrapped in your clothes. I never liked the shirt on you, the colour didn’t suit you but since you left it is all I have to remind me of you.
I take my vibrator out of the bedside drawer and open my Ipad to the photo roll that I can’t bring myself to delete.
I stare at the photos of us in happier times. The ones you sent me when we weren’t together and the ones you took of us when we were, so many happy memories that the sad ones are drowned out of my mind.
I sit on your side of the bed and breathing deeply remember how your touch felt on my skin. Your plump lips sucking at my skin, your dark eyes fixed with desire, intently staring at me as you undress me slowly.
I lie back and fix on one photo. The beautiful photo I’ve stared at a million times of you staring back at me and pouting your lips into a kiss. It fills my mind as my hands begin to wander all over my body.
The beautiful things you used to say to me run through my mind, the way you teased me and challenged me, your playful nature, the way you told me exactly what you were going to do to me and how you owned me and no one else would ever measure up.
How those words scare me now. The thought that no one else will ever make me feel the way you made me feel scares me now I’m alone.
I force the thought from my mind and slide the vibrator into my panties, turning it on and leaving it pressed against the entrance to my pussy whilst I stare at your photo and refocus my mind. I play with my breasts wishing you were there to suck and bite them.
I want to kiss your sweet lips that tasted like heaven; bite down on them and feel you smile. I want to feel your erection grow, pressing into me, I want to taste your warm skin as I once did and feel the weight of your body holding me down.
I want you to fill my mouth and my pussy and make my body come alive to your touch. I want to hear you call me your ‘whore’ and push my boundaries bringing me wave after wave of pleasure.
I want you to pull me over your lap and spank my like your ‘good girl’. I always loved you being in control and how wet your spankings made me.
I loved the way we never left each other wanting and instantly knew what each other needed without having to say.
You don’t have that deep connection with everyone but we did from that first night when I was afraid to let you in. You tore down my walls one by one, made me feel safe and told me I could trust as you weren’t going anywhere.
How I wish you would say that to me now. To throw me down onto the bed and show me who owns me like you used to.
I slide my panties down and rub the head of the vibrator all along my wetness, my eyes not leaving your photo. I need to feel you inside me as I once did and I push the vibrator inside me roughly trying to tell myself it’s you but it doesn’t feel the same. Nothing ever will.
I continue to stare at those beautiful eyes filled with desire and hear your words in my head as I push and pull the vibrator inside me, rocking my hips and rubbing my breasts trying to fool myself it’s you but then it happens again.
The shame washes over me. Instead of the nice things you said to me I hear the last words you ever said and I can’t breathe. I don’t understand how things fell apart so quickly and without warning or what I did wrong.
All I hear now when I try to remember you is those words “I never wanted this, I can’t do it anymore, we’re over.”
It’s been months and I still haven’t been able to achieve an orgasm since I heard those words and watched you walk out of my life.
I feel dirty and shameful as I pull the vibrator out of me and head to the bathroom to clean myself, wash the vibrator and put it away again.
I take off your shirt and pull on my old pyjamas unable to even look at myself in the mirror.
I climb back onto my side of the bed and curl up into a ball, tears falling down my cheeks as I close my eyes.
I try to fall, not asleep as such but out of consciousness for a while, hoping that I won’t see your face in my dreams, hear your voice or talk to you about your day.
It feels like no sooner have I closed my eyes then the IPod starts blaring music to wake me up and my mind starts racing once more.
It was only me that thought things were fine, you were just pretending. You’d already left in mind before body, found someone new and they are your focus now.
I’m all alone, I lost a part of me when you walked out and now I have to rebuild all over again.
You sold me a beautiful dream, all the promises, the things we talked about, the way we were together, the way you made me feel, how do I just forget all that and move on?
For you it’s easy, you have someone to look after you, give you all the things you desire, help you when you’re down and support you. No wonder you don’t miss me.
I climb into the shower, water cascading over my body, trying to focus my mind on the day ahead, the things I need to do but my minds keeps drifting to things I want to say to you, ideas I want to share with you, funny things I’ve seen but it doesn’t matter because I’ll never get to share them with you again.
I dry myself and go to get dressed. I open my underwear drawer and see the lingerie I wore for your eyes only. I pull it all out of the drawer and throw them into the bin.
No matter how much they cost me, when I wear them now I remember how you made me feel when you saw what I was wearing for you and that feeling isn’t healthy anymore.
I’d always dreamed of finding someone I trusted as deeply as I trusted you. A best friend to explore life with, who made me feel alive and challenged me to be better but changing everything in my life so quickly got confusing.
I struggled to understand where you were coming from, I needed you to help me understand.
I could have handled just being friends if that was what you wanted but finding out I wasn’t even good enough for that after everything was such a shock.
Everyone tells me you must miss me and one day you’ll come back but they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that once you make your mind up there is no changing it. Once something becomes your past it stays there and you never look back to it again.
I force myself to eat breakfast and leave the house running to catch my bus. As I sit, cramped up against the window, staring at people bustling about on the streets below I make a decision.
I take my phone out of my pocket and open the photo roll, deleting everything but my favourite photo of you wearing a dark hoodie lips puckered into a kiss, it reminds me of us in happier times.
I go into the phonebook, find your numbers and press delete. Before I get to the emails and social media messages I reach my bus stop.
That’s my task for tonight. Delete all the emails and social media messages and clear my Ipad. I need to get rid of anything in the flat that reminds me of you.
As I walk to work I type a list into my phone of things to do tonight before I forget.
At the top of the list is getting a new bed and pillows, ones that don’t smell of you and maybe look for a new place that won’t be filled of memories of us together.
It was nice while it lasted, the dream you sold me but it turned to dust the day you left and now I have no choice but to throw it all away.
A part of me knows it will never fully be gone, there will always be a part of me that belongs to you and the dream we shared.
I hope one day to find someone who makes me feel close to what you did because I doubt I’ll ever find someone who makes me feel the same way and that just makes me miss you even more.